If Your Relationship Style is like the Moores

Different Conflict Styles.
Couples come to us with all different kinds of issues: sex, money, co-parenting, intimacy… the list goes on and on.

But we've noticed that more important than the content of the issues, is the way the couple talks to each other.

We've found that there are basically three types of couples, which we call the Trenches, the McDiff's and the Moore's.

Based on the short assessment quiz you just took above (if you didn't take it yet, click here), your current relationship style appears to be like our Moores: your main issue is about wanting more closeness, intimacy - more of what you got married for!

When you're done reading about your own type, you might want to read about the other two types, for three reasons:
1) You're bound to know couples in all three categories,
2) All couples are a combination of all three types and so have issues from each, and
3) All couples fight or argue. It's important to understand how to keep your relationship from devoluting into the Trenches (war-like fights), or the McDiffs (irreconcilable differences).

The Moore's Strengths Described

 

When 'Okay' just isn't enough.

Couples who identify as the Moores are doing okay, but their relationship isn't all they know it can be.

They want more: more love, more passion, more cooperation and teamwork. So we call them the Moores.

Everyone argues. Love and trust can survive, though intimacy may suffer.
The Moores have their fights over differences, and they sometimes even get into Trench-like personal attacks, but they feel good about their relationship, hopeful, and they love and trust their spouses.

They just sense that there is a lot more that they could have in this relationship, but they don't know how to get there. They see their relationship as living and growing; and as a place in which each of them can grow into all they can be.

Every disagreement has a resolution.
The Moores know that when they disagree they can often figure something out. When they do get stuck, instead of looking to change the other person, they each wonder what they can do differently, themselves.

Differences are actually an opportunity to grow.
They see conflict as an opportunity: to learn about themselves, to learn about their partner, and to grow as a couple and a family.

It's the Future that the Moores are looking towards.

Win-win plus both/and.
From a mediation standpoint, the Moores find win-win solutions. They work together as a team.

Even if each of them knows how to do something, they are open to the possibility that the way their partner does it, though different, may add to their understanding and may be even better.

And they are open to a third option: that the two of them together can come up with something which is even better than what either of them could come up with alone.

Learning conflict resolution skills are still important.

There have always been some couples who either learned good communication skills from their parents, or figure out some of it just because they care so much for their partner, and respect them so much, their marriage inspires them to become better people.

Even so, a couple of sessions of our Teamwork Mediation Process, can improve your understanding, and give the two of you a common language in resolving conflicts which do occur.

It's also useful to know about how other couples fight, and why.

If your relationship is currently like the Moore's, you may feel more stress watching other couples fighting and wondering what got them into that fix, and how you can help. So you might want to read about the other two types of conflict styles: The Trenches and The McDiffs.

The Moore's Concerns Defined

The Mature Relationship.

People don't marry to solve problems, and they certainly don't marry to fight, or even to stop fighting.

They marry for the pleasure, the fun and the intimacy.

What happens after "Happily every after?".
Our culture is full of stories about meeting mr/ms right. And we get to see the story right up to the first kiss or the wedding night.

But what happens after?

Our culture doesn't have much information about the how to live happily ever after.

In to me you see.
Intimacy can be broken down into the sentence: In to me you see.

If you want to feel closer to your spouse, either look/listen to what is going on inside of them, or share what you're feeling or needing.

The funny thing about this definition of intimacy, is that it doesn't say you have to share something sweet, or nice, or even positive. You just have to share something true.

Universal Human Needs are what is true about us.
That's where TeamTalk comes in.

First, it helps you to identify what's true for you, what you are needing.

Then it teaches you the best way to communicate your truth so that it can be received in the way you intended.

There's nothing you can't say, but don't say it like that!
Our model says that anything you feel an urge to say should be communicated, because all communication is an attempt to share positive, life-affirming needs.

But how you speak your truth can mean the difference between connection and conflict.

The Moores already have a lot of this down through osmosis, but if you're on our web site, there must be some part of the intimacy spectrum which you haven't figured out yet.

We can help with that part.

Would you believe two sessions? Maybe three?

For most of the Moore couples we have worked with, a couple or three sessions is all it takes to get you over the hump and into a whole new arena of fun and intimacy.

 

If you're ready to schedule an appointment, just click here to register and make your own appointment:

 

Here's something to Try...

If you'd like, fill out your answers to the questions below, and we'll email them to you after a pause so you can sleep on your answers.

1. What is your partner doing, saying (or not doing or saying) which is contributing to your being a McDiff type of couple?

2. What are you doing, saying (or not doing or saying) which is contributing to your being a McDiff type of couple?

3. Think back to the way you and your spouse talk to each other, and write down what you notice.

If you'd like us to email your answers to you, fill out the form below:
  Send it to me right away
Send it to me after a few days
Surprise me
   
To keep you working on your relationship (for free)
Would you like us to email you a weekly:
  A new question each week for you to consider?
A short story about what we learned this week from our clients (blog entry)?
A link to a short weekly video from the classes we teach each week?
Name:
Email:
 

 

 

Help for the McDiffs

Teamwork or competition?
Is your marriage one long competition for who is right? Does one of you (your partner) always seem to get their way? (Would it surprise you to find out that they think you are the one who always wins?) Marriages like this are exhausting and not just twice as hard as being alone, they're ten times harder!

If you are both fed up with fighting, we can help.
In our experience, couples who have this problem almost always have picked the right person - someone who is different from them in just the right ways (as frustrating as that is!).

That's why we call it Teamwork Mediation!

If this describes you, you're just a few simple skills away from turning that competition into cooperation and Teamwork. Which makes life not just twice as nice, it makes it ten-times as much fun!.

We guarantee results, or there's no charge for the first session.

In this kind of case, even after even one (guaranteed) session, you'll be able to tell if we're right about this process making things measurably better.
If either of you or I am not satisfied that this process is right for the two of you, there's no charge for that first session.

Come to us, or from the comfort of your own home.
If you have a computer with a web connection and a web-cam, we can do the sessions right from your home.

Schedule your own appointment.

The way the two of you are communicating, gridlocks your relationship.
The longer you wait, the greater the risk of your marriage devolving into personal attacks. Let us help.

If you're ready to schedule an appointment, just click here to register and make your own appointment: